The big question about this kid is whether his talent will top out in 8th grade.

Darius LaVar Miles is the biggest bust in the history of the NBA. As a professional basketball player he made over $50 Million Dollars just based on hype and being 6 foot 9 inches tall. Miles was drafted third overall in the 2000 NBA Draft straight from East St. Louis High School and was immediately crowned the next great player in the NBA before he ever played in his first game. He graced the cover of Slam Magazine and Sports Illustrated before the age of 19, AND Michael Jordan made him a member of his prestigious "Jumpman" basketball marketing team as a teenager. Miles popularity was so hyped he even co-stared in the popular basketball DVD "The Youngest Guns," and in the major Hollywood movie "The Perfect Score."


(SI.com)

Every NBA team he has played for treated him as royalty, paid him like a King, and he played like the court jester. All this hype and Miles averaged 10 points a game for his 8 year career, most of that career was spent hurt or fighting with his head coach. He played for three different NBA teams and each team that traded him couldn't wait to get him out of their locker room. His entire career was hype. He was a good dunker as a young player, and that was about it.

Darius Miles was given superstar treatment on and off the court his entire life, and now that his career is over, I consider him the biggest bust in the history of the NBA. He is a main reason why the commissioner made it impossible for players to jump straight from high school into the NBA. Miles' "upside" and hype was the reason he was given multi million dollar contracts by multiple teams.

But hey...maybe now GM's have learned not to give unproven, young athletes who can't shoot and can't dribble millions of dollars all because Slam and Sports Illustrated call them the next big thing before they are 20 years old.

The Oakland Police Department has decided to use Raider jerseys as the new uniform of city jail inmates. Due to budget cutbacks and accessibility of the jersey's, starting on July 1 all inmates in the Oakland city jail system will wear Raiders jerseys as their standard uniform.

"Most inmates who enter the custody of the Oakland city jail system are already wearing Raider jerseys, so it just seemed logical to make this the uniform of our corrections department," spoke officer Jacob Anderson of the Oakland Police Department.




The O.P.D estimates that of the 1,500 arrests they make every week, at least 75% of those apprehended are wearing Raiders jerseys. That number rises during football season, when 200 arrests are made at every Raider home game.

"With the budget stretched thin, and the Governor taking away any extra jail funding, we had no other choice but to use Raider jerseys as the uniform of our city jail inmates" spoke officer Anderson. "This is the logical choice for financial and practical reasons, especially since most arrested in Oakland are already wearing Raiders jerseys."

Most criminals are estatic about the news, especially since they no longer have to wear the orange jumpsuits of the past. "This is like the best thing to ever happen to me man," spoke Dan Guerrero of Oakland. "Now I can like wear my Tim Brown jersey around the house, at the game, and then in jail after I get arrested!"


***This article is a satire

The Golden State Warriors have signed a contract with legendary loser and cursed basketball player Chris Webber. The Warriors are in desperate need of a big body to rebound, and after unsuccessful attempts to sign other washed up big men like Brian Grant and Vlade Divac, the Warriors have run out of options.
 
"Yes he's old, yes I still dislike him, yes he cursed this franchise for 15 years, but we'll take anything we can get at this point" spoke Coach Don Nelson. "I realize he's 47 years old, has had micro fracture surgery and can't jump over a dime at this point in his career, but Webber can still come into the game and foul opposing players without receiving criticism because most of the league feels bad for him."




Webber has had a storied career which started when he called a phantom timeout and cost Michigan the National Championship in 1993, and ended last season when he ruined the team chemistry in Detroit and the Pistons were eliminated by Cleveland in the Conference Finals.
 
"We are well aware of his emotional baggage and failure to produce championship quality basketball, but we're the Warriors, and not the Spurs, so just getting to the playoffs is an accomplishment for us" said Coach Don Nelson. "Besides, Shawn Kemp was not available."
 
Some Warrior players seemed optimistic about the signing of Chris Webber, including young guard Monta Ellis. "I think it's great we're signing Chris Webber" spoke Ellis. "Now when our team goes out to dinner at Sizzler, he can get us the senior discount."


***This article is a satire

The bass fishing community was rocked with scandal today, as four time bass-master champion Robbie Coleman has been accused of using performance enhancing drugs. Coleman was in the middle of weighing his days catch at Lake Sonoma when authorities searched his boat and found a 12 pack of Coors Light, with all empty bottles. Coleman denied that it was his alcohol and that he never "takes" beer or any other performance enhancing drugs to improve his fishing ability.

"That beer was not mine" Coleman screamed to reporters on Monday. "I have caught every fish in my life completely sober and I have never, ever, never, ever, nerver, neeever, cleaver, eeeever used beer to improve my stamina or my chances of catching fish!"



When asked by reporters who was the owner of the empty 12 pack of bottled Coors Light that was found on his fishing boat, Coleman claimed it belonged to a friend of his who borrowed the boat a few days before the bass fishing tournament.

"God dammit my buddy Eddie borrowed my fishing boat late last week and must have left that beer in my boat" spoke Coleman. "Eddie loves to drink, and smoke, and chew and snort, so if you found any drugs whatsoever, they must have been his! My fishing records are not tainted dammit!"

"Eddie" was not available for comment.

Since allegations of using beer to enhance his fishing skills have surfaced, bass fisherman across America are starting to question the fishing records that Robbie Coleman has set since going pro in 1999. Coleman is a four time bass-master champion, and holds the record for most bass caught in a 24 hours span, and most fatalities while behind the wheel of a bass boat.

The bass masters committee has scheduled a hearing for next week to decide the fate of Coleman and his legendary fishing records.


***This article is a satire

In 1986 the writers of the TV show Dallas decided that they completely screwed up the show when they killed off Bobby Ewing and deamed the previous season (Season 7) all a dream.  If a bad season doesn't destroy a show for me, changing your mind and calling it all a dream would.  Well baseball is staring at the same decision, and it looks like Curt Schilling wants to call it all a dream.


Did Schilling change his mind about Bobby Ewing too?

Schilling thinks that they should strip Clemens of his Cy Young awards, but where do you stop?  There is little hard evidence (if any) that Clemens actually used steroids, so if we go off of speculation, we really have to strip every record during the steroid era.  We could pretend that it was all a dream and just start over in 1990, how does that sound?  George Sisler still holds the record for most hits in a season, Babe Ruth still holds records for slugging percentage in a season and walks in a career, and of course Hank Aaron still holds the record for career homeruns.  Then again, we can't stop there.  Schilling doesn't have a World Series MVP, and I guess for that matter, the Diamondbacks don't even exist.  The Red Sox, and Schilling, never won the world series, so they are still sitting at the longest world series drought in the history of the game.

Good work Curt, at least Dallas lasted another 6 years after admitting their mistake, maybe the MLB has hope.  In the meantime, who else thinks Schilling should just shut his big ass mouth and go back to putting ketchup on his socks?

This game Curveball is taking control of my life. I just made it to Level 8 undefeated, all my chances still available. I got the computer down to his last ball, then I lost three in a row. It's not a problem that I then chucked a white board marker across my classroom while angrily cursing. I'm also very hungover. Yup, readers, teachers drink too...<< MORE >>

So this week the NFL Network has another great slogan, watch Thursday and Saturday nights for two games with huge playoff implications.I guess they are right, there is a team in each game headed to the playoffs, but really?We have two first place teams and they are playing two last place teams.I guess it is hard to push that.Why don’t they just go with the obvious, it’s the only game on Thursday night. What else are you going to watch, the Poinsettia Bowl?...<< MORE >>

How do you follow up such a big week like that? Probably with a bad week but I am going for two in a row, finish this season strong. Here you go for week 15 NFL picks, the Wizard is in black and the Joker in blue. Have fun...<< MORE >>

Not that I don't enjoy NCAA football, but I do love this time of year when the NFL is on all the time.  I love the commercial with the wife talking about football being onall the time.  I hope my wife is like that, its pretty doubtfull at this point.  Anyway, the NFLN is continuing to sell shitty games that won't get their network on every providers list with these two games.  Will I watch them, of course.

Before we get to the early games, I think we need to mention the fact that you set the new high ...<< MORE >>